From Allen's Site

And all this time I thought Christians were opposed to the gay lifestyle.

Intermission

Before I finish telling you about my missionary work, please enjoy this musical interlude.

Missionary Position Part II: Doing it in the Temple

I may be Allen's nemesis, but at least I am a hard-working and dedicated nemesis. Last time I told you how I felt compelled to match Allen's missionarianism with a little mission of my own. Of course, you won't find me preaching abstinence to a bunch of degenerate savages like Allen does.

I have a semi-pathological distaste for people in general, as well as for venturing anywhere outside my comfort zone (which almost always yields bad results). My father created an instructive verse maxim that has always served me well: Don't answer the phone/Don't answer the door/And never go to any place/ You've never been before.

But it was for you, dear reader, and for the akashic records that Erik the Misanthrope swallowed his zenophobia, agoraphobia, theophobia, and kookaphobia, and actually attended revival services at a real live fundamentalist compound. I felt it my duty actually, since with Allen gone I don't have much to complain about. Of course there's always Bryant Wright, but who has the time for extra nemesing?

I told you before how creepy it was when I first visited this joint. Well it didn't get any less creepy when I came back for the revival. I got there kind of early I guess- the place was deserted, just as it had been before. I walked into the Temple proper and poked around for a bit.
This is just one of several large buildings on the grounds. I guess this is the main worship facility, since it had a searchlight on top of the building, plus a flashing white strobe, just in case you didn't get the message.

Inside the place was even stranger than the outside. It was laid out like a regular church, with pews and pulpit and stuff, but everything had a sort of home-made look. Lots of mismatched light fixtures, ranging from a bare lightbulb to a chandelier to a seventies-era faux flame candelabra on the pulpit. Some of the support beams were covered with hundreds of tiny mirrors arranged at irregular intervals in the shapes of crosses; there were orange vinyl couches on the altar which nicely matched the red shag carpet. It looked the kind of stuff you might find in Elvis's basement. Like a temple to bad taste or the manger where kitsch was born. I couldn't help but think some beefy cultists were going to spring out from behind one of the many tiny doors next to the altar (appropriately festooned with medieval coat of arms) and grab me and haul me off to some Holiness dungeon where they would try to bugger the devil out of me on an hourly basis with a red hot poker.

Which is probably why I jumped when, whilst staring up at the large eagle head effigy affixed above the pulpit, I felt a firm hand on my shoulder. Alas, not a buggering Branch Davidian, but a very friendly older black gentleman who gummed a Howba ya doooooon at me between two butter yellow teeth.

Tomorrow, part III.

The Missionary Position

Allen took the week off from bullshitting the local Nascar demographic in order to spend some time in the Caribbean misleading an even more hopeless and ignorant class of savages. You might think that I, Erik in Athens, as Allen's arch-nemesis, would have seen this as an opportunity to also take some time off and spend the week in Allen-free solace, glutting myself on pastries and ministering to the needs of my cock. Well, dear reader, you would be wrong. At least this time.

Since Allen spent his post-Pisgah vacation among the cannibals of St. Lucia, I thought it was the least I could do to make a mission trip of my own. And since I am not flush with church money like some people I could not afford to go as far as the Caribbean. So I did the the next best thing: I went to Walton County.

I have been driving by this religious compound on Hwy 78 for years now, and have always been a little curious about what went on inside. From the road you can just see a small driveway leading to large white gates with the name "Little Bethlehem" above them. I drove up to the gates once a few months ago, just to see what was what but couldn't really tell much. There are several large buildings, some ornate decorations, and what appear to be homes on the outskirts of the property, but I didn't see any people thereabouts. Probably a good thing, since I was just showing up uninvited and was therefore concerned about how I might be received. I did take a picture of the little guard shack that sits next to the main gate. Even though it was empty I tried my best not to look like an ATF agent.

I'm not sure what Christian Security is but it's apparently pretty lax. Maybe God was on duty.

I actually got out of the car and walked around for a bit. It was creepy. All these elaborate buildings and not one person walking around or car driving up or door slamming or human activity of any kind. In the eerie quiet though I heard a noise. It was faint but discernable- Christian muzak- dribbling softly out of speakers around the buildings. No one around to hear it. No one but me, that is.

I told you it was creepy. I took a few pics and retreated without incident. That was probably six months ago and I hadn't given the place much thought since.

But when I saw a banner outside the compound last week advertising a "Campmeeting with Prayer for the Sick" I new my nemesis duties compelled me to match Allen's missionary zeal by venturing in.

Next Episode: Erik goes to camp

AHS Reviews (God, porn, oral sex)

6/17/2007 "How to know when God is calling you"

What a ridiculous topic for a show. The short answer is, God isn't calling you because he's a figment of your fuckin' imagination. I don't have time to go into the long answer, and to be frank, if you can't figure out why this is an absurd proposition on your own then I really don't want you reading this blog any more. You are just too dangerously stupid.

Here are some questions to ask though:

How do you know God "calls" people to begin with?
How do you know which God it is that's speaking to you?
What if it isn't God at all, but the devil?
What if God tells you to do something unconscionable like ....oh I don't know...fly planes into buildings maybe? (Don't scoff so soon- old Yahweh told people to do some pretty horrible things, including sacrifice their children.)

Allen's solution: if you need answers from God just ask three people to pray about the issue you're wrestling with. This will give you a clear answer. Wow! Who knew it was that easy? We should decide court cases that way.

6/23/2007 "Pornography"

Guilt-ridden white people. A fine Protestant tradition.

6/24/2007 "Denied Communion"

Apparently John Kerry and some other high profile politicians were denied Communion by the Catholic church on the basis that they are pro-choice . Allen's position is that this is perfectly acceptable- as long as the ex-Communionee is a public figure. Typical logic-defying Huntism.

6/24/2007 "What Does it Mean to be a Christian?"

O O O Professor Hunt, Professor Hunt, I know the answer....it means you have to a willfully ignorant lie-loving hypocrite.

6/30/2007 "Why America Is and Isn't Great"

This show mostly dealt with the Genarlow Wilson case. I actually agree with Allen here. There's no reason for that kid to be in prison.


Bonus: During the 'Porn' show an angry masturbator called and angrily demanded that Allen admit to masturbating. Allen responded that he hadnt masturbated in the last five years. This is either a pathetic lie, or an even more pathetic truth.